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No kidding. If someone tapped me to ghost-write the memoir Palin just signed a deal for, I’d take the job without a second thought. I would turn her life story into a massive, Finnegan-esque saga full of rapture, passion, and political intrigue, and sports, and wildlife. I vow that, should Sarah C. Palin pick me to write her memoir, I will create a wondrous tapestry of words and images of such complexity that professors will puzzle over its ambiguities and paradoxes for decades – if not centuries. Library shelves will groan under the weight of scholarly books devoted to what shall be called Palin Fire.

According to the official reports, the former VP pick won’t fess up as to how much she’ll rake in from her advance + royalties. There’s at least two reasons for this – she’s been promised a lot more than Obama was for his memoir, or a lot less.

Either way, I’m game and I want to make that public. To make my candidacy official, I’d like to propose some sample first sentences for the memoir:

“It was a dark and stormy and really, really cold night.”

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single white Anglo-Saxon Protestant male in possession of a good fortune, but questionable health, must be in want of a good running mate.”

“A screaming comes across the Alaskan sky. It has happened before, but there is nothing to compare it to now that I own this nifty automatic.”

“We were somewhere around Moosehead on the edge of the Canadian wilderness when the holy spirit began to take hold. I remember saying something like ‘I feel a bit light headed; maybe you should ski…’ And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked to be giant angels.”

I would offer to ghost-write Obama’s memoir, but I don’t think he’ll need quite as much help.

Palin Story