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At a birthday party, a friend handed me the latest in paranormal classics. You’ve heard of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. You’ve heard of Emma The Vampyre Slayer. Now get a load of Mr. Darcy, Vampyre:

More vampires. Sourcebooks Landmark announced a major new release by the popular author of Mr. Darcy’s Diary, Amanda Grange entitled Mr. Darcy, Vampyre, available August 11th. It is a continuation of Pride and Prejudice after the wedding, and may explain some of Mr. Darcy’s cold and distant noble mien in the original novel.

Revamping the classics is all fine and good. But I predict the next big wave in publishing will take us all by surprise. So far authors have taken conventional, even mundane characters and given them a supernatural thrust. Consider instead if we take exciting characters and dull them down a bit. Or a lot. Batman needs to stop fighting crime and spend 24-hours walking aimlessly around Gotham. Like this:

Solemnly The Joker came forward and mounted the round gunrest. He faced about and blessed gravely thrice the tower, the surrounding country and the awaking mountains. Then, catching sight of Batman, he bent towards him and made rapid crosses in the air, gurgling in his throat and shaking his head. Batman, displeased and sleepy, leaned his arms on the top of the staircase and looked coldly at the shaking gurgling face that blessed him, equine in its length, and at the light untonsured hair, grained and hued like pale oak.

The Joker peeped an instant under the mirror and then covered the bowl smartly.

–Back to the batcave?, he said sternly.

He added in a preacher’s tone:

–For this, O dearly beloved, is the genuine Christine: body and soul and blood and ouns. Slow music, please. Shut your eyes, gents. One moment. A little trouble about those white corpuscles. Silence, all.

He peered sideways up and gave a long low whistle of call, then paused awhile in rapt attention, his even white teeth glistening here and there with gold points. Chrysostomos. Two strong shrill whistles answered through the calm.

–Thanks, old chap, he cried briskly. That will do nicely. Switch off the current, will you?

Perhaps Achilles doesn’t battle Hector. Instead they square off in a round of subtle satiric comments and insults that nobody could understand without thorough knowledge of Ancient Greek culture. Perhaps they can also spend a great deal of time thinking about the meaning of language and trying to come to terms without their childhoods.

Odysseus should give up on trying to find his way home. He should abandon his crew and spend a year isolated on an island, reflecting on the purpose of civilization and, well, coming to terms with his childhood.

Tomorrow I read from my novel, Through the Pale Door, in Spartanburg. Hoping for a big crowd.