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In an exclusive online interview this afternoon, popular vampire novelist Stephanie Meyer broke down and confessed to Brian Ray, author of Through the Pale Door, that she indeed lifted ideas from the Internet as well as American culture in general – and maybe even common knowledge. Read further for a transcript of the interview, in which Meyer professes her deepest apologies and other feelings to The Nocturne author, Jordan Scott.

Brian Ray: Thanks for agreeing to conduct this interview via satellite phone, or whatever this thing is. [calls out to IT manager] Is it a satellite phone?

[tech manager mumbles something inaudible]

Stephanie Meyer: It doesn’t matter. My career’s over, as if all the blood has been siphoned from its warm, lithe body. But I’m glad to have this huge burden lifted from my shoulders, whether my medium of confession is satellite or regular land line. I no longer have to be Adonis, or Atlas. I get them confused. The question is what the hell I’ll do now. Maybe go into teaching.

BR: So why did you decide to wait until your fourth book, Breaking Dawn, to plagiarize? And why this Jordan Scott girl? I haven’t read her work or yours. Is Scott really that good?

SM: To tell you the honest truth, I’ve been stealing ideas since book one. [Meyer sighs] I mean, vampires? Braham Stoker, those ancient folktales from Bulgaria or wherever? Um, hello? I’m surprised people didn’t peg me for a hack sooner. I didn’t even ask who had the copyright on vampires, I was so desperate to make money. So foolishly stupid of me. I am swathed in regret.

BR: How did the monster of plagiarism grow inside you?

SM: It seduced me like a charming gentlemen of the night, idea-theft did. Ideas are children of the dawn, and I am the evil princess of infringement. It had been a forbidden love between me and plagiarism. And, well, once I took vampires, why stop there? It felt so delicious. Wedding scenes, romantic trysts on beaches. Those obviously weren’t my ideas. But I wanted them so badly. And this voice in my dark heart kept saying, Take them, Stephanie. Take them. You know, I’m such a hack. If it hadn’t been for my reading that Jordan Scott stuff on the Internet, I wouldn’t have even known vampires transform.

BR: You didn’t know that vampires transform?

SM: What did I think, who knows? Maybe they walked around all day with their fangs hanging out, hissing at people on the subway, on buses, the sidewalk. You have to admit, it would’ve made no sense the way I planned to write the story myself. There’s no mystery in vampires who don’t morph and aren’t at least slightly nocturnal. And as far as the classic horror movies go, and Hammer Horror, I just never put two and two together. Look, there’s a bat. Wait, there’s a man. I never thought to connect the two forms. For me, it was just a coincidence. Or bad editing.

BR: How did you discover the work of Jordan Scott?

SM: My kids had always been huge into vampire romance stuff. But they didn’t enjoy, you know, real books. They liked to read fan fiction and self-published works online. It’s more genuine, when you think about it. The online work hasn’t been run through the editing process and vetted of its juicy originality. But, like any parent, I got concerned when they started telling me some of this stuff at the dinner table. And they began eating their food strangely. I remember my oldest tried to suck the guts out of his baked potato and that night I said, “Enough, I have to know what’s going on with these vampire things!” So for a week or two I monitored their activities on the computer. But slowly and surely I was drawn into their secret quasi-pornographic worlds. Finally, I was making them go play outside while I stayed on the computer, drowning in yummy erotic horror. Ah, the hypertext of horror.

BR: Just for the record, you stole a lot of words from various authors over the Internet. Yes?

SM: Yes! I feel so bad! You know that Shakespeare, he was a true writer. Invented a lot of words and phrases. But me? Hell, no. I just went with the mundane. In fact when I got stuck I wouldn’t use my brain at all. I would just have one of my kids look up online vampire fiction, sometimes Danielle Steele, and we’d just plug it right in. I also used a software program to outline the plots of my novels. The software is called, Write Your Paranormal Romance in just 90 Days!. More shame. Oh, the lurid, dark, shadowy shame of my bizarre life journey.

BR: You recently received a “cease and desist” order from Scott’s lawyers. What are your plans?

SM: My publisher is telling me to tough this one out, that we’ll win. But my thoughts couldn’t be more diametrically opposed. Desist? Why, of course! Immediately. In fact, a couple nights ago I even printed out a hundred labels and stickers on my home computer that said, “I’m a cheater! Don’t buy my book!” I drove straight to the local Barnes & Noble and started slapping them on a stack of my hard covers that are displayed prominently in the front. Of course, it didn’t work out the way I’d hoped. When people saw me, they grabbed books and foisted them at me, begging for autographs. I spoke candidly, though. I said, “Why would you want my book? I’m just a thief. Where is Jordan Scott’s book? Where is it? You should buy that book instead!” I started knocking books out of people’s hands as they lifted them from the tables and shelves. I think I even punched a fourteen-year-girl in the kidney.

BR: Why?

SM: Because she wouldn’t shut up about how much she loved that Edward Cullen. He was plagiarized too, I’m sad to say. He’s just Brad Pitt on paper.

BR: What about rumors that Jordan Scott is your secret, illegitimate daughter and offspring of your love affair with Neil Gaiman?

SM: [shrugs] Who knows? I’d believe anything at this point.

BR: Will you sign this for me? I’m going to try and sell it on ebay. [produces copy of One Hundred Years of Solitude].

SM: [squints] But I didn’t write that.

BR: I know. But I figured you’re so good at plagiarism, you might have a knack for forging signatures too.

SM: Sorry, my life of crime is over.

BR: And so is this interview.